Glad you overall time went well. What happened? I think you went out too
fast. You were too pumped. You need to watch your splits.
And I responded:
I spent a couple of days thinking about this. In hindsight, you are right on the too fast, wrong on the splits. I went out the time I wanted, but my plan was too aggressive. That plus the mistakes I listed (overheating and poor breakfast) meant I could not hit the time my recent training runs told me. I also screwed up understanding my cadence stat that the garmin footpad has been giving me the last 60 days. So, my walk segments were only 30 seconds instead of the 60 I thought they were and trained for. That really hurt me also in leg freshness the last mile.
My final time was only ~1:00 over the PR I ran about a month ago, and I did not feel like I pushed myself 100% in that race. I have also dropped another 5# since then and my training runs have been very good.
I am tinkering with my Galloway run/walk ratios and my plans, but at least I hope I am learning on what I can do.
Since then I have been thinking more:
1) It was really poorly phrased of me to tell Alan he was wrong in the second sentence. That was simply me in denial.
2) Am I realistic in my time projections? Have I gotten faster, or do I just feel faster?
3) Am I really pushing myself? Or am I backing off at the first sign of pain? I am not going to be able to “run again” at the end of my goal races I have planned over the next 24 months; I need to learn to push harder and leave it out on the course.
4) I am dominated by fear of injury. And my subconscious mind knows it!! My thoughts are filled with the idea that pushing harder now means I am not going to be able to do my miles tomorrow and I am going to get fat again. Every sore spot brings a full basket of worries.
I have a dogtag I wear with my Fargo Marathon date and time on one side and a Prefontaine quote on the other: “To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift.” The last couple of days, I have noticed men roughly my age that are in much worse shape than I am. I can run many miles a day and run 20 to 30 a week! I do have a gift that I tried to bury with years of being overweight. I have a gift that I enjoy. But I also feel a compelling need to challenge myself to go higher, farther, faster. It provides me a driving motivation that pushes me out to run on days that are cold, windy, and wet. I wrote in my first report that “I faced a mental battle. . .” in my original race report. What I left unsaid (dishonest with myself) is I faced that battle and lost.
The amazing thing was I did so many things wrong and still was about 1 minute from my PR. I could have pushed the last mile faster than a 13:09 pace, but I let myself chicken out.
I played basketball growing up. I was a “smart” player, meaning I used position and skills rather than speed. I was one of the slowest on the team in sprint drills and always thought of myself as slow. I never knew how to run, how to build a base, how to enjoy it. I was the slow kid that became the fat guy.
But every self-imposed limited view I have does not jive with the fact I can run miles. It is hard to think of myself as a runner, but I have ran a marathon and that is something 1/10 of one percent of people have done.
I am basically grappling with and denying that I am a runner. And I am holding myself back from the full use of that gift.
This week has been scary for me. It is giving me the opportunity to really examine myself and the only thing that is scarier than that is putting it down in words and sharing with others. We all have demons, I am trying to force myself to publicly name mine as part of my plan to face them.
“We can, by God, let our demons loose and just wail on!” -- Once a Runner
I have a chance on Saturday to face those demons again. I also have a race in two weeks that I posted my goal for last week. I have spent three days trying to tell myself is impossible. But I have decided to leave the goal as is. It is really a "stretch" goal and I need to take a swing at it and let the challenge and not myself beat me.
Grace and Peace,
Marc
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